Since 2005, I’ve been photographing* church signs that I stumble upon during my numerous road trips across the midwest. There is a certain amount of quaint comfort and subtle beauty within these signs.

But, below are the ones that didn’t make any damn sense.

*photoshopping images I found on the internet

Click images to embiggen.

On this graduation day may you be released into the air and take flight.

May you stand proud atop your post with dreams of soaring over the trees and power lines. You will lift your head, expand your wings and reach for the heavens, but soon realize you are a turkey or fowl of some kind.

May your take-off be awkward and your altitude minimal. Your voyage will be cumbersome and your landing heavy. Might you then waddle off into the fields of middle management.

Congratulations kid, here’s twenty bucks.

To help pay the bills at Garbage Party and keep this mess moving along, we are now offering up Stock Dialogue®.

So what is it?

USGP Stock Dialogue® is a collection of licensed dialogue between 2 or more characters. Each piece is 100% original and written by our staff at USGP. The purpose is to help you fill those holes in your script, poem, article or story. The dialogue is ‘out of context’ until you give it a broader meaning.

With ‘rights managed’ dialogue, an individual licensing agreement is negotiated before payment and use. With ‘royalty free’ dialogue  a single fee is charged allowing the buyer to use the dialogue in an unlimited number of ways.

Please contact the Garbage Party offices if you’re interested in Stock Dialogue #1 and any future products.

Stock Dialogue #1:

OLD FRIENDS
$29
Royalty Free

FRIEND 1: [feeding the parking meter outside restaurant] THAT should give us enough time to eat.

FRIEND 2: [adds another quarter]

FRIEND 1: What’s that for?

FRIEND 2: THAT’S to catch up with an old friend.

All dialogue is property of USGP and its licensors and may be protected by intellectual property laws including laws relating to copyrights, trade-marks, trade-names, internet domain names, and other similar rights.

Unless you have entered into a separate agreement with USGP, such as a Royalty Free License Agreement, any other use of these Materials without written permission is prohibited.

Our office’s new batch of interns were given the following [non-H.R.-approved] quiz. Conceived of by Jeff R. Written by me.

The purpose was to alleviate our boredom, spark creativity and force interns to say mean things about their coworkers.

One weekend I bought 6 new t-shirts. Every day I wore a new one, I updated my coworkers with all the necessary details. It was information they didn’t know they needed. Naturally, their excitement began to wane with each update. I was forced to cram the information into their eyeballs each time.

***********************************

 Thank you.

**********************************

New T-Shirt 2/6

TODAY’S FEATURED SHIRT:
• Storm Grey
• Short Sleeve, Round Neck
• Breast Pocket, left side
• made in Indonesia
• size: Medium
• 60% cotton 40% polyester
• washed once

 Thank you.

[Those out of the office: There will be a re-wearing in 10-14 days. Please plan accordingly.]

*********************************** 

New T-Shirt 3/6

Today only, I will allow any of you to take your picture with me wearing the shirt. You will need to provide the camera.

TODAY’S FEATURED SHIRT:
• Prussian Blue
• Short Sleeve, V-Neck
• made in Bangladesh
• size: Medium
• 100% cotton
• washed once

Thank you.

***********************************

New T-Shirt 4/6 

[guest written by That Tad Guy]

I’m really excited to be writing about NEW T-SHIRT #4. I like that the DARK GRAY color perfectly captures the mood today, especially the crappy, weather that caused a rain delay at the Cardinals game. I wasn’t able to go to. I also like that the SHORT SLEEVES AND V-NECK create a sense of mystery, like “what’s going on under there?” Are there tattoos I don’t know about? How much of his MEDIUM frame is covered by hair? What’s the pec-to-ab ratio? Is it 60% TO 40%, like COTTON is to POLYESTER? Most of all, I love the scent of the shirt. It’s like it was only WASHED ONCE. The way it invites you in with hints of Cinnabon, chutney and, dare I say, chutzpah? All in all, this is a look that as perfect for the runways of Milan as it is for eating all-agency birthday cake in the Underground.

***********************************

New T-Shirt 5/6

I feel a lot of you have been losing focus as we bring this train into the station. So the information for today’s shirt is on the attached image.

Thank you.

Click to embiggen.

***********************************

New T-Shirt 6/6

New T-Shirt 6/6 from Unsanctioned Garbage Party on Vimeo