To my wife and the mother of my offspring…

Two young knights travel the unforgiving terrain of the midwestern suburbs in search of treasure.

Along the way they encounter the bearded face of evil who looks a lot like their dad with a cape on.

A grand battle ensues, and once again the warriors reclaim their throne as heroes of the backyard.

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These are my real kids so please don’t kidnap them.

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Music: “Through the Fire and Flames” by Dragonforce. If you like it, purchase here.

Short skits.

Photography / Sound Edit / Music by JR33D – www.jr33d.com
Written / Directed / Edited by Garbage Party
(“Charles Grodin” written by John Simon)

Thank you to all my friends and co-workers that gave up a whole Saturday to help me out.

You’re a winner just for filling it out. Brackets, brackets, brackets.

Click to embiggen.

Printable/High resolution version

“Balls on a Chin” by Ryan Tobin

Another incredible musical submission that took my stupid poem Backpack, Knapsack, Balls on a Chin and gave it life –this time with some country grit.

I love my friends and fans. They’re funny, talented and sick assholes.

Let’s start off by saying, it takes a lot of effort to make a movie, so if one gets made, that’s pretty impressive, right? If it was up to me, I would put all the movies ever on this list, even if I hadn’t seen them.

Instead, I just listed the best ones that I saw. These are in no particular order.

IRON MAN 2
Holy crap, have guys seen this? The Iron Man and the black guy BOTH have robots suits in this one. I never saw the first movie or read the comics, but it didn’t really matter.

TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT
This movie wasn’t great, but I saw the whole thing so it gets to be on the list. There’s a part where a couple has sex on a trampoline and you get to see the girl in her bra. Once in highschool I got to second base with a girl on a trampoline.

2/3 of THE MUPPETS
We took our kids to this and it was a lot of fun. I had to take the 1 year-old out to the lobby three different times because she was being all shitty and bothing people. What I saw of the movie was pretty good.

The trailer for PROMETHEUS
I wasn’t sure what was happening in here, but it’s for a futuristic astronaut movie. I watched it about a week ago and can’t remember if they have to fight something or maybe they get stuck in a cave. Either way, there’s lots great action, so check it out if you can.

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE
I think, technically, I saw this in 2010 when it came out, but I’m still pretty excited about it.

BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES
I thought this was Battle: Los Angeles. It was actually what they called a ‘mockbuster.’ I got fooled and turned it off after 12 minutes. While it was pretty funny, I was kind of mad and just went to bed.

CARE BEARS: THE GIVING FESTIVAL
My 4 year-old requested this one. It makes the list because it was easy to sleep during. It’s not all ‘shout-y’ like Dora The Explorer.

A rerun of NUMB3RS
I had never seen this show before, but the format was familiar. It’s structured like CSI and Law & Order, except that the smart-numbers-character-guy goes into a trance and sees a bunch of math in his head. Then he figures everything out. I call that guy ‘Numbers.’

SECRET CUTTING
This is a made-for-TV movie. It was probably pretty terrible if you want to get critical, but I didn’t mind it. It was on at my parents house while they had guests over.

YOUTUBE PLAYLIST of music videos from the 90s
This really made me nostalgic. It was especially exciting to see some of the one-hit-wonder bands that I had totally forgotten about. Remember Spacehog?!!

All in all, it was a pretty great year for movies!

Towards the end of the film Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character, Phil presents newlyweds Fred and Debbie Kleiser with tickets to WrestleMania.

A few things are assumed…
• The setting of the movie was actually 1993, the year the movie came out
• The tickets were for the upcoming WrestleMania two months later
• The wrestling event, which actually took place in Las Vegas, somehow still occurred in the movie world, despite the character mentioning they would “be in Pittsburgh, anyway.” (Perhaps it was an alternate version of the event, but in Pittsburgh.)

Assuming all of this to be true, one thing can be concluded…
Phil sent the Kleisers to what’s often considered THE WORST WRESTLEMANIA OF ALL TIME!

Furthermore, while the gesture was extremely thoughtful, would Phil have truly won Rita’s heart if she had known he sent them to this trainwreck?

“But that looks like it would be fun,” you might be saying…

You need to just shut up right now. As a wrestling fan, I must tell you that there IS such thing as a quality wrestling event. If you’ve ever seen super hero movies, you know that some are filled with drama, spectacle and even humor, while others are dreadful or just silly.

***

The months of buildup before the event, the match-ups and the roster at the time were pretty weak already. But to make it worse, the event had:
• Announcers in togas
• A forced tag team called the Mega-Maniacs, which featured Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake in a stupid bug mask
• The gimmick of “The Narcissist” Lex Luger, complete with full length mirrors
• Doink the Clown confronting his “dublicate”
• Giant González wearing a skin-tight suit with spray-painted muscles, including a detailed gluteus section
• An out-of-place Bob Backlund; a true “rastler” from a different era placed into the circus atmosphere of early 90s WWF
• The possible rise of talented Bret “The Hitman” Heart being overshadowed by Hulk Hogan’s “impromptu” challenge to Yokozuna and refusal to take a back seat to anyone

***

Despite all of this, I’m sure Fred and Debbie Kleiser had a great time at WrestleMania IX.

In the end, I suppose that’s what it’s all about.